The Cross of Infertility

Our Lady of Childbirth in Rome

This blog has been on my heart for a long time. I've been thinking about how we all have journeys in our lives. Lent is a journey. It's a time for us to make changes in our lives that will hopefully carry over after Lent and lead us to a closer relationship with Jesus. One devotion I especially love during Lent is the Stations of the Cross, the prayer that remembers Jesus' journey to the cross. Even though it's not a comfortable image it brings me a lot of comfort to picture Jesus carrying the cross. Because I know He is carrying it for me and I don't have to carry my cross alone.

I remember thinking before I got married that there is a chance I would struggle with having children. I didn't have any reason to think this; I just knew it was a possibility and thought it would be a beautiful sacrifice to offer to God.

God has allowed Tyler and I to carry this cross and our journey the last three years has been beautiful. We learned NFP (Natural Family Planning) because we knew it would be good to know but didn't think we would need to use it because we were open to children from the very start. I remember the first few months of marriage and the joy of waiting towards the end of the month, hoping and wishing we were pregnant. A year went by where every month we had the same highs and lows, but we kept praying and trusting that God had a plan for our family.

Then God gave us such a wonderful gift. We conceived our first child October 2011, 15 months after we were married. We loved and treasured our baby for the seven weeks we carried her. The verse from Job comes to mind, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21) Even though it's been two years since our miscarriage I still struggle with finding words to talk about it. There were many gifts that came with the loss of our child. God gave us the gift of a baby in Heaven whom we named Jessamine Therese and we pray to her every day. He gave us the knowledge that we could conceive. And He gave us a heart for others who have experienced the loss of a child.

After our miscarriage it felt like we started all over again with trying to get pregnant. When we were first married we were told it's not uncommon to try for a year and then after a year start to do tests to see if something is wrong. So after our miscarriage we were told to try again and wait several months to see if we would conceive again. Again the monthly waiting game of highs and lows came and was made even more painful by my expectation that we would conceive right away.

In the next few months we found a Catholic doctor and through a hormone panel found out that I had low progesterone. We already knew this and I was a little devastated. I was expecting this test to be the one where we'd find out exactly what was wrong and know exactly how to fix it. In the end it just showed us what we already knew and that I would need more tests. When we moved to North Carolina God provided another Catholic doctor who suggested I start taking HCG, which is progesterone and estrogen. She also suggested we do a targeted ultrasound to see if I was ovulating. When we did the ultrasounds the results showed us that we weren't ovulating. God in His timing and perfect plan made it that we conceived that exact month.

For the past two years while we were doing these tests God provided a lot of grace and consolation. There were times where it was very hard to continue to pray for a child. But we were also able to enjoy the gifts He did give us, such as Tyler and I having the freedom to take trips (we went to Rome twice!) and have flexibility in our schedules. He gave me the desire to work on campus full time in the fall and I knew I wouldn't be able to do that if we had children.

A priest in Dubuque told us once after our miscarriage that as we waited for a child God would expand our capacity to love. At the time I was like, "Okay God, thanks, but I am ready to love now!" Looking back two years later, I see that Fr. Parker was right. The time of waiting and hoping and all the prayers and sacrifices have been turned into love and we are able to love even more now. My mom also shared a helpful prayer with me. She reminded me that God is the author and giver of life. That gave me a lot of comfort and reminded me that everything is in God's hands.

If we would have known that it would be two years after we first conceived that we would be pregnant again, I don't know how I would have handled that. God gives us the grace for the moment. We are so thankful to once again be carrying a life that God has invited us to create with Him. And not a day goes by that I remember our journey and thank God for the time of waiting.

I have many friends who are still carrying the cross of infertility. I am very sensitive to them because I know how it feels to not be pregnant and see on Facebook all the statuses of those who are expecting; or hearing that a close friend just found out they are pregnant. God gave me the grace to rejoice with them and I was always truly happy for them, but there was also a reminder of our waiting.

And so we daily pray for those who are struggling with infertility and waiting for God to bless them with their first child or another child. We also aren't taking this pregnancy for granted and assuming we'll get pregnant again. Who knows God's plan for our family. We definitely hope He will bless us with more children, but we know how precious every life is and are thankful for the one He has given us now.